Horsey Humor
All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse
1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
Funny Horse Buying Guide
Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say
1. Don't clean out my stall. I adore the smell
2. No thanks, one can of oats is enough for me
3. Doctor, may I please have a rectal exam?
4. I just love traveling in a hot trailer!
5. Mr. Farrier, please don't stop pounding on my hooves
6. There's room for one more on my back
7. I feel like galloping another 20 miles!
8. Low branch! Duck!
9. You can go ahead and leave, I'll wash myself down
10. Can we do this again, tomorrow?
A man just bought two horses. However, he could not tell them apart. So, after a day's worth of confusion, he went to his neighbor for help. "I can't tell my horses apart," he said, "can you help me?" The neighbor thought for a moment, and then said "Well, why don't you dock one of the horse's tails? Then you can tell them apart." So the man agreed it was a good idea and did just that when he got home. The next day, when he was plowing the field, the horse without a docked tail got his tail caught and it ripped so it looked exactly like the other's tail. The man went back to his neighbor and explained what happened. The neighbor thought, and finally said "Why don't you cut a slit in one of the horse's ears? Then you can tell them apart." So the man went home and did that. The next day, when he was driving his horses down the road, the horse without a slit got his ear got in barbed wire and it tore, just like the others. The poor man was getting fed up, so he went to see his neighbor again. His neighbor thought for a long time, and replied "Why don't you measure them?" The man immediately did that upon returning home, and was very glad to find that the black horse was two inches taller then the white one.
Horsemans Dictionary
1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.
Funny Horse Buying Guide
Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say
1. Don't clean out my stall. I adore the smell
2. No thanks, one can of oats is enough for me
3. Doctor, may I please have a rectal exam?
4. I just love traveling in a hot trailer!
5. Mr. Farrier, please don't stop pounding on my hooves
6. There's room for one more on my back
7. I feel like galloping another 20 miles!
8. Low branch! Duck!
9. You can go ahead and leave, I'll wash myself down
10. Can we do this again, tomorrow?
A man just bought two horses. However, he could not tell them apart. So, after a day's worth of confusion, he went to his neighbor for help. "I can't tell my horses apart," he said, "can you help me?" The neighbor thought for a moment, and then said "Well, why don't you dock one of the horse's tails? Then you can tell them apart." So the man agreed it was a good idea and did just that when he got home. The next day, when he was plowing the field, the horse without a docked tail got his tail caught and it ripped so it looked exactly like the other's tail. The man went back to his neighbor and explained what happened. The neighbor thought, and finally said "Why don't you cut a slit in one of the horse's ears? Then you can tell them apart." So the man went home and did that. The next day, when he was driving his horses down the road, the horse without a slit got his ear got in barbed wire and it tore, just like the others. The poor man was getting fed up, so he went to see his neighbor again. His neighbor thought for a long time, and replied "Why don't you measure them?" The man immediately did that upon returning home, and was very glad to find that the black horse was two inches taller then the white one.
Horsemans Dictionary
- barn sour - An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
- big name trainer - cult leader; horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend
- their children's college funds and their IRA's to support them, as they have a link to "The Most High Ones" (judges).
- bog spavin - The feeling of panic when riding through a marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
- colic - The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows
- colt - What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
- contracted foot - The involuntary, instant reflex of curling one's toes up, right before a horse steps on your foot.
- drench - Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil or a bath to his horse.
- endurance ride - The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
- equitation - The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crow hop, shy, and buck his way around a show ring.
- feed - Expensive substance used in the manufacture oflarge quantities of manure.
- fences - Decorative perimeter structures built to give your horse something to chew on, scratch against, and jump over.
- filly - What your mare always gives you when you want a colt.
- flea-bitten - a condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.
- flies - The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over without being punished.
- founder - 1. the discovery of your loose mare, some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or a cornfield. As in the phrase, "Hey, honey, I found 'er."
- 2. a condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner.
- frog - Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.
- gallop - The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn.
- gates - Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
- girth sores - Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of midsection by fashionable large western belt buckles.
- green broke - The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the "Big Name Trainer."
- grooming - The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
- grooms - Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills.
- hay - A green, itchy material that collects between the layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
- head shy - A reluctance to use the public restroom's at a horse show. Always applies to pit toilets.
- head tosser - A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.
- heaves - The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
- hobbles - Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
- hock - The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
- hoof pick - Useful, curved metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoe.